while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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