I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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