you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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