3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We are all done wearing pants today
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
