I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
