Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize