Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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