i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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