So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
