I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
sex in a hospital.. check
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
