there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
