how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
