Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize