Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Randomize