these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
