Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
