when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
