i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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