Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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