One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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