I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
