remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
