dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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