a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
