....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
