I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
