and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize