I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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