Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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