i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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