Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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