A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
