Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
