Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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