The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My hand turned me down
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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