Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize