So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
