the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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