Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
