Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
