You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
