drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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