I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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