cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
