one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm really busy with my period
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