I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
