The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
