Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
