I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
