Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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