; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
