Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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