Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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