not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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