I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize