I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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