you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
