He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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