the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize