"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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