Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
