We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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