my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
