it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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