I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We are two peas in an std pod
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize