it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
