so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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