somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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